Are you watching the Oscars this year? We are having some neighbors over for dinner and champagne and dress commentary. Husband and I will place bets and he will win every category because he picks the logical, reasonable choice and I pick who should win if there was any justice in the world. And then he’ll go you can’t bet on someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’ll go yeah but she should have been nominated and he’ll go that’s not how betting works and then I’ll go that’s because no one ever listens to me. I’m a super fun wife.
But I will give you my award predictions, because I feel pretty confident with my choices.
Call Me By Your Name
Actually, I didn’t see this, so it can’t win anything.
Darkest Hour
I saw this one after I pulled an all-nighter on a book deadline so I am a little fuzzy on the details, to be honest. When the King arrived, I whispered the history of how Wallis Simpson fits in the story to Husband whispered back, Yeah that’s cool but I think all I need to know for this movie is that it’s the King of England. And then Gary Oldman tried to get the boys out of Dunkirk and I was like, Oh, wait. Is this the movie about Dunkirk? And Husband goes, No, that movie is called Dunkirk. And then I fell asleep.
This will win the Oscar for Best Rousing Speech At The End and also The “Why Don’t We See More of Kristin Scott Thomas” award.
Get Out
This will win: Best Movie That Julie Could Not Sit Through Because She Was Terrified And So She Left After Fifteen Minutes and Husband Had To Tell Her About It Later But It Sounds Great and YAY #oscarsnotquitesowhitethisyear
Lady Bird
Also did not see this one, so it can’t win anything. I don’t make the rules, people.
Phantom Thread
Should not win anything except Prettiest Dresses. But that’s my heart talking again. My head tells me that it will win three awards: Most Beautifully Photographed Depiction of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Most Ridiculous Man-Baby Whiner I Don’t Care If He Makes Nice Dresses, and Best Breakfast Recipes
The Post
No question here, this movie will win Best Portrayal of a Gold Caftan in the History of Movies. Furthermore, The Post will go down in history as An Extremely Important Movie that changed the course of fashion because every woman who saw it said, “You know what? I’m fucking done with pants,” and from 2018 on we all started wearing caftans. Oh also, super important because of the First Amendment stuff.
The Shape of Water
Will also win three awards: Best Woman+Man/Fish Sex Scene. Also, Grossest Finger Scene I Have Ever Seen In My Life, and Best Shoes
Three Billboards Outside Ebbings, Missouri
Will Sweep the Oscars with four awards: Best Story. Best Use of Francis McDormand Who Is Magic And I Would Watch Her Read the Phone Book. Movie That Made Me Cry The Most. Best Use of the Word “Baby.” It will also win a special governor’s award for Movie That Most Accurately Portrayed The Truth Of Life Which Is That Heroes and Anti-Heroes Are Always Complex and Have Good and Bad in Them and If You Listen to Their Story You Might Be Surprised At What You Learn. That’s a new award.
What are your thoughts? Any predictions about winners and losers? Do you have strong feelings about Meryl’s caftan? Who will you drink champagne with?
Happy weekend, friends,
OXO
JULIE